i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
