Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
