Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
