so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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