Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
