Pants 0. Shit 1.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
