I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
