Betty ford says i'm here all night
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
