There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
