I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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