I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
