I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
