I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
