why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
