The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
