If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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