That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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