Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
