don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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