Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
