we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
