wanna go halves on a baby?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
