my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
