FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
