I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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