He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
