I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
