she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
