I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
