Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
