yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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