So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
