Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
