Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
