what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
