Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
