When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
