Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
