I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
