i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
