You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
