this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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