I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
