You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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