Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
