Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
