last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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