I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
