my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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