I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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