Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
